Little Blessings
I'm finding a lightness in my center lately, sustained by little blessings, which, once I list them, I'll bet won't feel so little anymore...
--I have a poem in my head--not on paper yet, but still. Good considering most of my writing time has been spent tinkering with older projects--nice to have something new.
--I got quality time with one of my closest friends last week--a brief visit, but full of long walks and time for her to get to know S. and an awesome dinner party, the likes of which I realized, suddenly, that I've not attended since S. came into my life.
--Coming Out Day: woke up exhausted, bitter I had to go to work to do a six-hour training that has nothing to do with the job I'm actually paid to do. But then, the participants reminded me of how lucky I am to live in a place where I feel safe and affirmed and loved most of the time, where people are willing to leave their kids and homework and lives to reflect on how to become better allies.
--I spent the last two days with colleagues who do the same work I do (service-learning coordinators) from other campuses. We talked about how to collaborate more effectively. It was a terrible time to leave the office, and some parts of the meeting were frustrating, (others wonderful)--but we met in a beautiful place, and my 2 1/2 hour drive each way was lovely, the leaves turning spectacularly, totally silent (I even turned off NPR and left my political obsessions behind). Every stiff muscle in my body seemed to let go. More importantly, it was good to be around people who believe, as one of them put it, that it's important to bring "our whole selves to our work, and to honor our students' whole selves, too." Over supper last night (delicious food, good wine), we laughed a lot, and I felt re-energized on my way home. And S. survived an overnight without me.
--S. has two tests tomorrow, and she's truly ready. She's back to working hard, focusing again--at least for awhile, but I'll enjoy it while it lasts. We are trying a chart method to keep track of her successes and the things she needs to work on, suggested by our family therapist--I think it's actually working so far!
--My father is, yes, sick, but not as sick as we'd thought. He'll need chemo, some radiation, an operation--but the cancer is in the early stages, and he's going to be OK. Frustrating: we can't visit him, even though both S. and I have fall breaks coming up, because we can't leave the state until the adoption is finalized.
--But good news: we will finalize the adoption, we hope, by the end of this month. There has been another series of delays, due to S's bio mother's refusal to let go, to allow this good thing to happen. She signed and sent the document we'd agreed upon, but, oops, nobody could find it, or her. And when they did find her, she said she wouldn't sign it--she didn't say she had actually signed it, did she?--all bets are off. But, she's already broken a contract that hasn't been signed, has sent inappropriate letters to the agreed-upon neutral address (which neither S. or I have seen, but I'm taking our social worker's word for it). And so it goes...so far I have initialed two ridiculous changes to said document, S. has sustained two major flashbacks, one of which had her non-verbal for a couple hours, playing with toys as if in a daze, remembering things I can't even fathom. (We were supposed to finalize Friday, but learned two days before that there was yet another hold-up). But, today, a positive turn of events: the attorney general in the state S. is from is now saying we don't need to finish this negotiation to finalize, so, tentatively, we'll do so in the next two weeks. But, for the first time, I'm not giving S. an update. Too much heartbreak. I need to protect her, just in case there's another turn of events.
--I finished everything I absolutely need to have done by 8 a.m. tomorrow. OK, small victory, admittedly, but still...at least I don't go back to the office tomorrow behind.
--My cousin, S's age, who, at an earlier time in my life and hers, when I lived in Arizona, had been very close to me, was hospitalized recently--very sick, at least partly due to a lack of self-care and nourishment. But when I talked to her, I was amazed by the maturity and beauty with which she described her experience, her newfound desire to live a more authentic life. "This sounds crazy," she said, "but I've had what I think people call a spiritual awakening." Of course, I told her that didn't sound crazy at all. She said she couldn't wait to meet S.--I'd been long worried about how they might get along (and if), given the intense nature of my relationships with each of them. When I hung up, I wept awhile, but mostly I felt incredibly blessed to be a part of her life.
--I got a card today from an old friend who'd read my last blog entry and wanted to tell me she was sorry about my father's cancer. It was short, but (as strange as this sounds), it was really comforting to see her distinctive handwriting, hear her voice in the two short sentences. In it, she included what might be my favorite poem of all time, though I hadn't read it in a long time: "Wild Geese" by Mary Oliver. I'll leave with a few of my favorite lines (and hope you'll look up the poem if you don't know it):
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again...
(The rest is equally beautiful, the end so perfect it is breathtaking...but I'll let you look it up. P.S. Thanks, P!)
I was right. The little blessings don't feel little anymore, now that I've written them, not at all.
--I have a poem in my head--not on paper yet, but still. Good considering most of my writing time has been spent tinkering with older projects--nice to have something new.
--I got quality time with one of my closest friends last week--a brief visit, but full of long walks and time for her to get to know S. and an awesome dinner party, the likes of which I realized, suddenly, that I've not attended since S. came into my life.
--Coming Out Day: woke up exhausted, bitter I had to go to work to do a six-hour training that has nothing to do with the job I'm actually paid to do. But then, the participants reminded me of how lucky I am to live in a place where I feel safe and affirmed and loved most of the time, where people are willing to leave their kids and homework and lives to reflect on how to become better allies.
--I spent the last two days with colleagues who do the same work I do (service-learning coordinators) from other campuses. We talked about how to collaborate more effectively. It was a terrible time to leave the office, and some parts of the meeting were frustrating, (others wonderful)--but we met in a beautiful place, and my 2 1/2 hour drive each way was lovely, the leaves turning spectacularly, totally silent (I even turned off NPR and left my political obsessions behind). Every stiff muscle in my body seemed to let go. More importantly, it was good to be around people who believe, as one of them put it, that it's important to bring "our whole selves to our work, and to honor our students' whole selves, too." Over supper last night (delicious food, good wine), we laughed a lot, and I felt re-energized on my way home. And S. survived an overnight without me.
--S. has two tests tomorrow, and she's truly ready. She's back to working hard, focusing again--at least for awhile, but I'll enjoy it while it lasts. We are trying a chart method to keep track of her successes and the things she needs to work on, suggested by our family therapist--I think it's actually working so far!
--My father is, yes, sick, but not as sick as we'd thought. He'll need chemo, some radiation, an operation--but the cancer is in the early stages, and he's going to be OK. Frustrating: we can't visit him, even though both S. and I have fall breaks coming up, because we can't leave the state until the adoption is finalized.
--But good news: we will finalize the adoption, we hope, by the end of this month. There has been another series of delays, due to S's bio mother's refusal to let go, to allow this good thing to happen. She signed and sent the document we'd agreed upon, but, oops, nobody could find it, or her. And when they did find her, she said she wouldn't sign it--she didn't say she had actually signed it, did she?--all bets are off. But, she's already broken a contract that hasn't been signed, has sent inappropriate letters to the agreed-upon neutral address (which neither S. or I have seen, but I'm taking our social worker's word for it). And so it goes...so far I have initialed two ridiculous changes to said document, S. has sustained two major flashbacks, one of which had her non-verbal for a couple hours, playing with toys as if in a daze, remembering things I can't even fathom. (We were supposed to finalize Friday, but learned two days before that there was yet another hold-up). But, today, a positive turn of events: the attorney general in the state S. is from is now saying we don't need to finish this negotiation to finalize, so, tentatively, we'll do so in the next two weeks. But, for the first time, I'm not giving S. an update. Too much heartbreak. I need to protect her, just in case there's another turn of events.
--I finished everything I absolutely need to have done by 8 a.m. tomorrow. OK, small victory, admittedly, but still...at least I don't go back to the office tomorrow behind.
--My cousin, S's age, who, at an earlier time in my life and hers, when I lived in Arizona, had been very close to me, was hospitalized recently--very sick, at least partly due to a lack of self-care and nourishment. But when I talked to her, I was amazed by the maturity and beauty with which she described her experience, her newfound desire to live a more authentic life. "This sounds crazy," she said, "but I've had what I think people call a spiritual awakening." Of course, I told her that didn't sound crazy at all. She said she couldn't wait to meet S.--I'd been long worried about how they might get along (and if), given the intense nature of my relationships with each of them. When I hung up, I wept awhile, but mostly I felt incredibly blessed to be a part of her life.
--I got a card today from an old friend who'd read my last blog entry and wanted to tell me she was sorry about my father's cancer. It was short, but (as strange as this sounds), it was really comforting to see her distinctive handwriting, hear her voice in the two short sentences. In it, she included what might be my favorite poem of all time, though I hadn't read it in a long time: "Wild Geese" by Mary Oliver. I'll leave with a few of my favorite lines (and hope you'll look up the poem if you don't know it):
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again...
(The rest is equally beautiful, the end so perfect it is breathtaking...but I'll let you look it up. P.S. Thanks, P!)
I was right. The little blessings don't feel little anymore, now that I've written them, not at all.
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