Lot's Wife and Mother's Day
Last week, S. saw her teacher reading a book during free time that she'd also read, a devotional book about women in the Bible. The conversation went like this:
S: I've read that book before, too!
Teacher: You have?
S: Yes! I made it as far as Lot's wife.
Her teacher thought this exchange was funny and shared it with me. It IS funny, of course, but it is also a bit chilling. During the story of Soddom and Gomorrah, Lot's wife is an innocent victim. God sends angels to save Lot's family, but some people come to the door to, depending on the translation you read, rape or harm in some other way the angels. Lot offers the people his daughters instead of the angels--where was Lot's wife at this moment, one wonders?--and in the end, Lot and his family are permitted by God to escape as long as they don't look back.
Lot's wife looks back and is turned into a pillar of salt.
Every day, S. has to decide whether looking back will keep her from moving forward. Will she get so frustrated by being challenged at school for the first time that she decides to stop trying--decides that catching up isn't worth her time? Will she continue to refuse responsibility for her own actions as her biological parents did, or will she finally, ultimately, find her way into living responsibly? Will she be able to mourn what happened to her and also forge a future for herself? Will be she able to see the present clearly rather than through the warped vision of the abuse and pain of her past? Will she be able to open her mind to new ideas or remain in a rigid, gated way of understanding herself, others, and the world?
Every day, every minute, she makes a choice. Sometimes the choice is played out in an argument, sulking, tears, or words like "I want to go back where I was because nobody made me do anything hard when I was there." Sometimes it is played out in a graceful turn on a horse, a hug and a kiss, a simple, "I can do this!" or "Thanks for believing in me!"
These days, S. almost always chooses to move forward. She may look back, but her God is merciful and understands how torn she feels--as does her mother. But she is also able to focus on the present, and the future, with more and more attention. She is able to let herself consider new ideas, like the idea that evolution may not be anti-Christian, that a person's GLBT identity may be a gift from God rather than a curse.
In the background of the story of Soddom and Gomorrah is a long history of oppression against GLBT people. Somehow the men who came to "rape" the angels became homosexuals, although as far as I know, I am guessing God doesn't assign genders to angels and that God thinks rape is a horrible thing regardless of the gender of the people involved. The story about S.'s exchange with her teacher reminded me of how far she's come in learning to see shades of gray, to adjust her rigid thinking. Now, she would be able to talk about this story in less-than-absolute terms, whereas before, it would have been a story about homosexuality.
Or maybe S. would never have seen it through the lenses of the Fundamentalist churches she attended while in foster care. After all, S. has been raped, over and over, by many people, most of them family, throughout her childhood. She has watched people she loved be handed over to be raped as well. Perhaps she would have been compassionate toward Lot's wife. After all, she has to watch her husband offer her daughters to be raped. She is told not to look back at the only home she's ever known while running to her safety. And let's not forget what happens next: Lot sleeps with both of his daughters, who have somehow come to believe they must sleep with their father in order to continue the human race. In the story, disturbingly, they are to blame for their intercourse with their father--their father is innocent victim of their seduction.
S. grew up living with parents who believed they were doing nothing wrong, who gave up their daughter to be raped in the way Lot attempted to give up his own daughter. S. grew up living with parents who raped her.
S. has gotten as far as Lot's wife, innocent victim of a sick family. But unlike Lot's wife, she's safe now with a parent who believes in a loving God, a God who would never destroy a woman's life the way God supposedly destroyed this woman's.
Any thinking person who hears the story of Soddom and Gomorrah--or S's story, for that matter--will have to come to one of three conclusions: 1) God is not compassionate 2) God doesn't really have much power to intervene in individual people's lives, though some early writers of Biblical stories may have believed God did; 3) God doesn't exist; if God existed, innocent children like S.--and innocent women like Lot's wife--would never have to suffer the way they do.
I tend to believe #2--and yet I'm struck by the power in the story of Pentacost, celebrated today in the Western church, not to mention Jesus' miraculous signs and resurrection. Surely these were not all made up; Jesus was, after all, a real person, and there is some overlap in the stories about Him (although there are also many differences among the stories).
I'm just as struck these days by the smaller miracles that I can only attribute to the work of God--a daughter who keeps moving forward, leaving her past burning behind her.
All weekend long, we have been studying for a science test in order to raise her current grade of D-. She has B's in all her other classes. S. has never before been in a mainstream classroom besides art class--but she's getting B's, and tonight, she got an A- on the practice test. Even if she panics and fails the real thing, she knows the material, and she was willing to give up an entire weekend to learn it. Tonight she said, "If this is what college would be like, it wouldn't be so bad. I like learning new things. I even like studying, I just never knew how to do it before. I think I'll go to college, and maybe to graduate school. I want to meet all my goals." A tiny, tiny part of me thought, "Let's just get through this test first," but the rest of me was all heart bursting open with pride and hope.
This morning, S. brought me breakfast in bed. She'd figured out how to make the coffee, and she served me cereal and juice as well. Along with the breakfast, she handed me a gift--a candle, chocolate, and a card that said, "God loves you forever and so will I."
It is more than a minor miracle that S. loves learning or God or me after what she's been through. If my first Mother's Day as a mom isn't proof of God's existence, I don't know what is.
S: I've read that book before, too!
Teacher: You have?
S: Yes! I made it as far as Lot's wife.
Her teacher thought this exchange was funny and shared it with me. It IS funny, of course, but it is also a bit chilling. During the story of Soddom and Gomorrah, Lot's wife is an innocent victim. God sends angels to save Lot's family, but some people come to the door to, depending on the translation you read, rape or harm in some other way the angels. Lot offers the people his daughters instead of the angels--where was Lot's wife at this moment, one wonders?--and in the end, Lot and his family are permitted by God to escape as long as they don't look back.
Lot's wife looks back and is turned into a pillar of salt.
Every day, S. has to decide whether looking back will keep her from moving forward. Will she get so frustrated by being challenged at school for the first time that she decides to stop trying--decides that catching up isn't worth her time? Will she continue to refuse responsibility for her own actions as her biological parents did, or will she finally, ultimately, find her way into living responsibly? Will she be able to mourn what happened to her and also forge a future for herself? Will be she able to see the present clearly rather than through the warped vision of the abuse and pain of her past? Will she be able to open her mind to new ideas or remain in a rigid, gated way of understanding herself, others, and the world?
Every day, every minute, she makes a choice. Sometimes the choice is played out in an argument, sulking, tears, or words like "I want to go back where I was because nobody made me do anything hard when I was there." Sometimes it is played out in a graceful turn on a horse, a hug and a kiss, a simple, "I can do this!" or "Thanks for believing in me!"
These days, S. almost always chooses to move forward. She may look back, but her God is merciful and understands how torn she feels--as does her mother. But she is also able to focus on the present, and the future, with more and more attention. She is able to let herself consider new ideas, like the idea that evolution may not be anti-Christian, that a person's GLBT identity may be a gift from God rather than a curse.
In the background of the story of Soddom and Gomorrah is a long history of oppression against GLBT people. Somehow the men who came to "rape" the angels became homosexuals, although as far as I know, I am guessing God doesn't assign genders to angels and that God thinks rape is a horrible thing regardless of the gender of the people involved. The story about S.'s exchange with her teacher reminded me of how far she's come in learning to see shades of gray, to adjust her rigid thinking. Now, she would be able to talk about this story in less-than-absolute terms, whereas before, it would have been a story about homosexuality.
Or maybe S. would never have seen it through the lenses of the Fundamentalist churches she attended while in foster care. After all, S. has been raped, over and over, by many people, most of them family, throughout her childhood. She has watched people she loved be handed over to be raped as well. Perhaps she would have been compassionate toward Lot's wife. After all, she has to watch her husband offer her daughters to be raped. She is told not to look back at the only home she's ever known while running to her safety. And let's not forget what happens next: Lot sleeps with both of his daughters, who have somehow come to believe they must sleep with their father in order to continue the human race. In the story, disturbingly, they are to blame for their intercourse with their father--their father is innocent victim of their seduction.
S. grew up living with parents who believed they were doing nothing wrong, who gave up their daughter to be raped in the way Lot attempted to give up his own daughter. S. grew up living with parents who raped her.
S. has gotten as far as Lot's wife, innocent victim of a sick family. But unlike Lot's wife, she's safe now with a parent who believes in a loving God, a God who would never destroy a woman's life the way God supposedly destroyed this woman's.
Any thinking person who hears the story of Soddom and Gomorrah--or S's story, for that matter--will have to come to one of three conclusions: 1) God is not compassionate 2) God doesn't really have much power to intervene in individual people's lives, though some early writers of Biblical stories may have believed God did; 3) God doesn't exist; if God existed, innocent children like S.--and innocent women like Lot's wife--would never have to suffer the way they do.
I tend to believe #2--and yet I'm struck by the power in the story of Pentacost, celebrated today in the Western church, not to mention Jesus' miraculous signs and resurrection. Surely these were not all made up; Jesus was, after all, a real person, and there is some overlap in the stories about Him (although there are also many differences among the stories).
I'm just as struck these days by the smaller miracles that I can only attribute to the work of God--a daughter who keeps moving forward, leaving her past burning behind her.
All weekend long, we have been studying for a science test in order to raise her current grade of D-. She has B's in all her other classes. S. has never before been in a mainstream classroom besides art class--but she's getting B's, and tonight, she got an A- on the practice test. Even if she panics and fails the real thing, she knows the material, and she was willing to give up an entire weekend to learn it. Tonight she said, "If this is what college would be like, it wouldn't be so bad. I like learning new things. I even like studying, I just never knew how to do it before. I think I'll go to college, and maybe to graduate school. I want to meet all my goals." A tiny, tiny part of me thought, "Let's just get through this test first," but the rest of me was all heart bursting open with pride and hope.
This morning, S. brought me breakfast in bed. She'd figured out how to make the coffee, and she served me cereal and juice as well. Along with the breakfast, she handed me a gift--a candle, chocolate, and a card that said, "God loves you forever and so will I."
It is more than a minor miracle that S. loves learning or God or me after what she's been through. If my first Mother's Day as a mom isn't proof of God's existence, I don't know what is.
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